Differences in Ways of Getting What You Want


This is an excerpt from Helping Mothers be Closer to Their Sons: Understanding the World of Boys. The book is good for dad’s too!


The sexes are different in their strategies to get what they want. This difference starts early. Boys tend to be more physical and direct, demanding or playfully pushing another boy in order to obtain what he wants. Girls don’t seem to like this sort of method. Girls are more likely to use words or relational means to get what they want. Boys tend not to respond to this. Neither sex seems to be too keen on the other’s modes.

To get a better idea of how boys and girls differ in this way, lets look briefly at the anthropological research of Ritch Savin Williams observing an adolescent summer camp.17 Groups of boys and girls aged eleven to fourteen were housed in their own cabins. Let’s look at the boys’ cabins first.

Very soon after arrival, the boys started challenging each other, sometimes telling each other what to do, sometimes putting the other boys down. Each of these were maneuvers to try to attain higher dominance in the hierarchy of boys. Pushing and shoving was not unusual nor was making fun of weakness. In fact if weakness was exposed, the other boys would sometimes join in to mark their own dominance. Some boys barked orders and others followed, while some put up a challenge. The boys’ pecking order, their hierarchy, was being made clear to all and it happened fairly quickly.

Savin Williams found that both boys and girls used ridicule and name-calling as a means to create higher dominance. But there were some strategies used by the girls that were very different. Unlike the boys, Savin Williams says that the girls maintained a sweet and agreeable attitude for the first week, making friends and being nice. But after the first week was up the girls started their own ploys to gain dominance. Their modes were more relational and less direct. Girls would ignore someone, or appear to “not hear” another girl in order to maintain dominance. Other tactics included gossip, social alienation, misinformation and withholding eye contact.

The boys’ strategy seems to be overt and out in the open. They seem to lack concern for the feeling reactions of their friends and are more likely to throw their weight around with bravado in order to be higher on the hierarchy. They just don’t seem to care as much if someone gets hurt in the process. The important thing is to be on top. We can see this sort of thing when boys are together with their friends and they will openly put each other down. Moms get upset with this but it needs to be understood as being their way to navigate the hierarchy. This does not mean that we shouldn’t help boys find kindness towards their friends; it does however mean that we need to understand these behaviors in their context.

The girls’ strategy seems more passive and clandestine. Savant Williams tells us that the girls, unlike the boys, seem to want to be perceived as “nice” and maintain that image whenever possible thus they take a week to build alliances prior to starting to use dominance tactics. Their dominance strategies are designed to be stealthy. Their strategies are often easily denied as not being “on purpose” or by claiming they had no motive to hurt. All the while the hurtful behaviors flow via social alienation, gossip, exclusion and other means.

Both boys’ and girls’ strategies leave some chaos in their aftermath, the boys’ more overt and the girls’ more covert. Both strategies are designed to create and maintain dominance over their peers. It is easy to see how these very different strategies don’t mix very well. This may play into what we will look at next, the very different ways that boys and girls choose to play.


Pg 22-24 Helping Mothers be Closer to their Sons: Understanding the World of Boys


If you are interested in learning more about relationships from a Red Pill Perspective you might want to check out Paul and Tom’s Patreon site on Red Pill Relationships

What Women Don’t Know About Men — Part two Emotions

In part one we discussed the lethal game that is played by our culture that pretends that women’s ways of emoting are the default and that men are somehow deficient and less human because they don’t emote like women.  If  you haven’t read part one you can do so here.


​We discussed the first two reasons that women are wrong about men and emotions.  The first was that a man’s pain is taboo.  No one wants to hear it, see it or be with it.  Men know this and therefore move to a more solitary or active process to deal with things.

​The second reason was hierarchy. Scientists have now “discovered” that men live in a hierarchy and are regularly tested on whether they are a man or not.  Men are aware of this and avoid public emoting due to the rapid free fall in their hierarchical standing that often follows public.

The third reason is that men are denied any form of dependency.  Think about it.  Men will usually prefer to do it themselves and will avoid asking for help.  Women make fun of this or they try to shame the man for his preference for independence.  Men are geared to work towards independence.  Why?  Because independence is what is ​valued by women. Women tend to prefer men who are independent and will avoid those who are dependent.  Men know this and are also aware that the culture at large prefers independent men.  Emoting is a sure sign of dependency. This moves men to be as independent as possible.  Here’s a quote that captures this in a profound manner.  It’s from an article by a man named Peter Marin about homelessness: 

To put it simply: men are neither supposed nor allowed to be dependent. They are expected to take care of others and themselves. And when they cannot or will not do it, then the assumption at the heart of the culture is that they are somehow less than men and therefore unworthy of help. An irony asserts itself: by being in need of help, men forfeit the right to it. (Peter Marin Abandoning Men: Jill Gets Welfare, Jack Becomes Homeless)

Men know that if they appear dependent they, as Marin so aptly put it, will forfeit the right to being helped.  Is it any wonder that men will avoid dependency?  Women tend to not understand this.

The fourth reason is that men continue to be locked into their sex roles including the provide and protect role.  While women’s roles have become more loosened, men continue to be stuck in their traditional rigid roles.  Think about you and  your spouse waking up in the middle of the night after hearing a loud BOOM.  Who goes to check?  If she goes she gets all sorts of accolades for bravery etc etc.  It she doesn’t go she is still okay.  That’s her role flexibility. Either way and she is okay.  But what about the man.  If he goes, all is well.  But if he says, “Honey, I’m scared, how bout you go this time?”  You would never hear the end of it.  He would get every label and name in the book, from pussy to wimp and on and on.  Men are locked into this role and the role demands that you keep your cool, feel the fear, and do it anyway.  It also demands NO EMOTING.  Imagine a cop goes to an accident and breaks down in tears because he is so upset.  No.  He does his job first.  Everything else comes later.  Men have this in their bio-computer.  They get the job done.  I don’t think women understand this.

I’ve gone on enough.  We can save the last one for the next time.  The fifth reason is a man’s biology and how it impacts his emoting.  Don’t miss this one.  It’s important and you won’t hear this in the media.  Never. 

Men Are Good.

New Male Studies Journal article Male Circumcision Grief: Effective and Ineffective Therapeutic Approaches

I co-authored this Journal article with Lindsay Watson.  It tells the story of the mistreatment males receive when they have the courage to seek out a mental health professional to aid in their grief. The article was published in the Journal of New Male Studies.  I suggest you have a look at the other articles.  Some interesting stuff.

Lindsay Watson, Tom Golden. Male Circumcision Grief: Effective And Ineffective Therapeutic Approaches. New Male Studies (2017); 6(2): 109-125. Onlinehttp://www.newmalestudies.com/OJS/index.php/nms/article/view/261

circ-grief

What women don’t know about men. Emotions


Women don’t know a thing about the way men process emotions.  Why should they?  Their way of dealing with feelings is certified as THE way to do things.  Why would she even consider there are alternate ways?  But it is worse than that.  Not only do they not know about men’s ways, they also participate in a huge cultural game of pointing the finger at men and telling them they don’t do it right!  Men need to talk about their feelings and cry, cry, cry.  They use this idea as the reason for why men do any possible negative behavior.  You know, men who are violent, men who rage, men who are quiet, hell,  men who get parking tickets.  It’s all rolled into one big party and the finger is pointed and the claim is made that if only he was able to be human and deal with his feelings he would do this or that.  Until he can learn to deal with his feelings he will be less than human. Pretty easy gambit to marginalize someone eh?


Entire industries are built on this lie.  The therapy industry is just one of those.  Then there is the media who write millions of words about this terrible handicap.  But what are they missing?

Let’s talk about the first two of five things that they are missing:

1.  A man’s emotional pain is taboo. Men are not dumb enough to run out in public and emote openly.  They know that no one wants to hear it and those who do hear it will shame him.  Think about it, if you are a man when was the last time your spouse really listened to your emotions?  Most men will likely say never or extremely rarely.  Oh but they expect you to listen to them, right?  It’s like Warren Farrell says, when women say they want a man who is touch with his feelings they mean in touch with HER feelings. I’ve worked with hundreds of grieving men and my sample shows the percentage of women who really listen to the man’s pain is nearing zero. Men’s pain is taboo and a woman’s pain is a call to action.

2.  Men live in a hierarchy.  Research is slowly starting to realize this in their work on what they are calling Precarious Manhood.  Men are judged on a daily basis on whether they are “men.”  Women face no such judgement.  The key for men to be as high in the hierarchy as possible at all costs.  Men practice this.  They are usually very good at it, and for good reason.  If they emote in public they are judged harshly.  So we have men, who have practiced this for years and all of the sudden we expect them to take a 180 and open up about their feelings?  Fuck no.  Opening up about feelings is a quick path to dropping on the hierarchy, way, way down.  Women don’t understand a man’s avoidance of this because they have never experienced anything like what he goes through on a daily basis.

We will go over three, four, and five next week.

What Women Don’t Understand about Men: Console or Consult?

So many times I have heard from frustrated women who explain that when they need a loved one to listen to their situation, the man in their life seeks instead to “fix” things. They tell me that this leaves them missing that loving connection that comes from being heard and all too often leaves them with the fear that the man just doesn’t really care so much since he is more interested in fixing things.

Right.  But wait.  What doesn’t she know about men?

What the women are missing is that men have a natural tendency to want to fix things. Why do men want to fix things? Because it helps them feel better. I could tell you plenty of stories of working on an old car and being frustrated in getting one bolt out. I try and try and no matter what I do, it just won’t budge. Then when I figure it out and successfully pull out the offending bolt I am hit with a wonderful blast of feeling good! Men know this elation. It feels good to solve and fix things and men simply want to share that good feeling with those they love. When she tells him a problem he wants to give to her the same feeling he gets when things are fixed so of course he tries to fix it for her. He’s doing this because he cares, not because he doesn’t.

After explaining this to the women in therapy I let them know that there are things they can do to help this situation. One effective approach is to be sure the man knows exactly what you want. Be clear with him whether you want a consult or want to be consoled. If you want to be consoled tell him he doesn’t need to do anything, that you simply want him to sit with you and listen.

When women talk to their men about this good things happen. When he becomes aware that she doesn’t want a solution and simply wants him to listen he can relax! I have seen this repeatedly. When this is explained to men they are relieved to know what is wanted and make an easy shift to simply listening. Most men find this much easier than the responsibility for fixing.

Here’s something to try:

If you are a woman talk to the man in your life about being consoled versus being consulted. Work out ways to let each other know when you need each one. If you are a man, talk to the woman in your life and let her know you need her to be specific about what she wants from you.

When both know what is needed, good things usually happen!

A Survival Guide for Men in Couples Therapy — Part One

When men enter into couples therapy with their wives or significant female others they will often come into what seems like foreign territory.   Things don’t make sense and the language used is not so familiar. His needs seem far less addressed than his female partner. It seems to men like they are “out of place.”  The first section of this article intends to offer men a primer on the basics of why they may feel out of place.  The later section will focus on ideas about what they can do about it and tips for getting the most they can from the experience.  It is worth noting that for biological reasons there are probably about 1 in 5 men who will feel more comfortable in the couples therapy setting.  It is also true that 1 in 5 women will be more like most men. When this article addresses “men” it is directed towards that 80% of men and 20% of women.   Bottom line?  We are all very different and if you are a man or a woman and want to know more about the nature of couples therapy you may find this article useful.  (For more information on these differences see  my ebook The Way Men Heal at Amazon)

1.  Men and Couples Therapy –  Why is this hard for men?

The whole idea of sitting face to face and talking about emotions and hurt seems odd to many men.  Men might feel more comfortable taking this sort of problem and hashing it out as they play a game of horse or shoot 18 holes of golf. They may feel more comfortable shoulder to shoulder or even by themselves but that is not the way this system of couples therapy is set up. This is just one of many factors that make this experience one that is more difficult for men.

Language

Couples therapy uses a unique language that most men simply don’t know but most women speak fluently.  This has an impact on what happens in couples treatment.  Imagine visiting France.  Your wife speaks fluent French and you speak a little.  A Frenchman invites you to his table at a restaurant and a conversation unfolds.  Who is he going to speak with?  How will the conversation flow?  Likely you will be secondary since you are simply not as fluent and your wife will translate to you the details that you miss. You rely on her to keep you informed about what is happening and you make your best guesses about the rest.  Both your wife and the frenchman will probably not judge you harshly for not being fluent but even so, you will likely feel on the outside.  Now think about a couples therapy session.  You are likely not as fluent as the therapist and your wife, you will probably feel on the outside in a similar manner but there may be a difference.    In the couples therapy arena when you are not as fluent you are likely to be judged and seen as inferior, ignorant, even as cold and uncaring.  The truth is that many therapists think that men should be fluent in the language of feelings and tend to judge them for their apparent deficiency. They believe that men, if only they wanted to, could easily learn this feeling language and would then want to talk about their emotions. Simple right?  “Just try a little harder honey, it’s not so hard if you will just try.”   What these therapists don’t seem to know is that men’s biology is working against them. Their brains are more geared towards building and understanding systems and are not as interested in the emotional side of things. There is some evidence now that testosterone actually limits a man’s ability to articulate emotions even when in the midst of feeling them.  Men have a very different way to process emotions but this difference is rarely acknowledged in couples therapy and men’s unique ways are often interpreted as being deficiencies or are simply ignored.

Another aspect to the language problem is that it likely creates a bond between your wife and the therapist and just as you depended on her translations at the French restaurant you now depend on her.  The difference is that in a couples therapy scenario, she may be antagonistic towards you since your interests are now in conflict. The likelihood of getting a good translation goes down as you must depend on her emotional maturity and only a truly mature woman will be considering your needs at a time like this. I have seen women use their fluency in the language of emotions as a tool to prove her side and to show the man as being the problem.

Details

Another difference is in the details.  Have you ever noticed that women seem to remember in great detail relationship events from years ago?  You know, the time you insulted her by saying she was fat in 2007.  She remembers.  You don’t. Why is it when you are in a session with a couples therapist, she can rattle off a long series of your indiscretions over the past several years?  All the while you are struggling to remember the events she is describing much less coming up with your own examples.  This sort of memory gives women a distinct advantage in couples counseling since they have a much better grasp on details of problems and disagreements from the past. She often keeps a scorecard.  You usually don’t. Her barrage of memories and your silence make it appear that you have no case.

We don’t know why women remember and men don’t. Maybe it’s that men seem to treat their relationship problems and upsets like fishing.  When they catch a fish that is too small they simply throw it back in, forget about it, and focus on catching the next one.  Most men don’t keep score and catalogue the small everyday relationship deficiencies. Could it be that men see small indiscretions in relationships as being like the small fish and let them go by just throwing them back in rather then hold on to them and file them into a growing pile of hurts and resentments?  Could it be that men are simply forgiving and letting the small stuff go? Perhaps when it comes time for couples therapy the men don’t have a huge stockpile of past hurts since they have already let them go while his female partner has a bucket of old hurts which seem geared to prove he is an uncaring sort?   You be the judge. YMMV.

Avoiding Men’s Emotional Pain

Also at work are misandrist attitudes that are held by almost everyone in the US culture that have an impact on men in couples treatment.  These attitudes are led by the idea that a man’s emotional pain is basically taboo.  No one wants to touch a man’s pain, no one wants to hear a man’s pain, no one knows what to do with a man’s pain. Men are aware of this distaste for his emotional pain and avoid publicly emoting.  No brainer. Men are simply not dumb enough to emote publicly, they know the judgement they would face. Contrast this with the norm for female emotional pain which rather than being taboo is more a call to action.  When people see  a tearful women in public the first thing that comes to their mind is “How can I help? Oh, poor thing, she needs support.” When they see a tearful man they will often see him as someone dangerous who needs to be avoided. These vastly different responses to men and women’s emotional pain has an impact on couples treatment. I have noticed that at least some therapists carry a portion of this bias. Those who do carry it seem unaware. It is obvious that if this bias is present in therapy the man’s emotional pain is going to get little attention while the women’s emotional pain will likely be the focus of treatment.  Add on to that many couples therapists are female and this will give the female therapist a much better understanding of what it is like to grow up as a girl and be a woman but leaves her devoid of the same understandings about men and boys. She will be more likely to compare him to the female norm she has in her minds eye. This sort of thing can leave the man terribly misunderstood. I have known men who had huge stressors like recent major surgery, the loss of a job, and the death of a parent all having happened in the previous month and the therapist decides not to focus on his pain but instead focus on the wife’s emotional pain from something much less significant and question why he hasn’t been more attentive to her needs. This simply disenfranchises his reality and reinforces the therapist’s and the wife’s avoidance of the man’s pain.  My experience has been that when the men’s emotional pain is avoided in therapy the men are left feeling even more bewildered and alone.

 

2.
 

There is yet another important and related factor involved in the bias we see in couples therapy.  It has to do with sex roles. Women’s sex roles have been changing over the last 40-50 years but men’s?  Not so much.  The traditional male sex role calls for him to provide and protect.  Specifically, it calls him to do those things for his spouse that provide her with the supplies she needs/wants while also offering her a safe place. This idea of a safe place can and does include the idea of being cared for.  If a woman does not feel cared for she is likely not going to feel safe so it is rolled into one big package for which the man is responsible. Bring her the provisions she needs to do her job and help her feel safe and cared for. On the other hand, the traditional sex roles of women were to birth, raise, and nurture the children and care for the home.  He may get some benefit from this but her focus is not on him, it is on the kids and the home.  These roles link the spouses in a very different manner.  Her happiness is linked directly to how he performs in his providing and protecting.  Does he give her what she wants?  Does he give her a safe place?  If not, he is open to judgement and criticism from his wife. This is his primary responsibility, to make money to provide and to insure safety.  Her needs are his responsibility and his needs and his happiness are not attached in a similar manner.  He needs to get the job done first and provide for her.  This makes it simple to see the flow of energy in a traditional marriage as being from man to woman, and her flow of energy is from woman to children and/or home.  This gives the woman a platform to judge his success or lack of success in providing for her. It gives her reasons to complain about his failures. Her needs are seen as primary.  But what about his needs?  No one is responsible.  His needs are his problem. There is no one mandated to provide and protect for him. No one.  It’s easy to see how this plays out in couples therapy.  The woman’s needs and satisfaction are a primary element.  His needs are much less front and center if they are even dealt with.  This being the case it would be easy to see how most couples therapists will have a tendency to focus on HER and not so much on HIM. It would also be more likely that he wouldn’t even think of focusing on HIS needs and wants. He is programmed to care for her needs, not his.  Plus, he is graded on how well he performs his providing and protecting for her but she is less likely to receive a grade for her treatment of him.  “I can’t do everything, I’ve been taking care of the house and kids.”

To make matters worse the man’s role of provide and protect leaves him with a mandate to maintain his independence.  Being dependent or needy is not acceptable.  In order to be the best provider and protector he needs to be independent and he will usually struggle to do so.  What do we ask of men in therapy and specifically in couples therapy? We ask them to talk about their problems, their vulnerabilities, and their feelings.  All of the above are huge signs of dependency and neediness.  So we are asking men to do a 180 degree turn and suddenly they are supposed to just magically be comfortable with showing neediness and dependency.  The women think this should be easy since their roles are not as demanding of them to be independent.  In fact what are the old demands  of women’s roles?  Nurturing and caring right? So just imagine for a moment putting women into a situation where they had to talk in ways that would show they were not nurturing and caring!  Would they have an easy time with that?  I don’t think so.  We need to have some compassion for our men and the bind they are placed into by coming into couples therapy.

Therapy is Friendly to Women

Therapy has evolved over the years to be friendly to women. Why?  Well, it’s pretty simple, women are the ones who come into therapy. Therapists will naturally move towards creating an environment that caters to and welcomes those who are showing up and paying!  This is one of the reasons that therapy is based on the more feminine ideas of who is relating to whom and who cares about whom.  This is the currency. This is what drives things.  In a more masculine environment the currency would more likely be who is governing whom or who is admiring or respecting whom.  These are very different spaces.  If you are presently in couples counseling it is likely that your wife is attempting to make the point that you simply don’t care about her and she will go through the litany of things you have done that prove you don’t care. Caring is the index. She attempts to convince the therapist that you have committed numerous sins of not caring and now need to change your ways and that her negative behaviors are justified by your indiscretions.  This puts you into a defensive position.  You spend most of your time defending yourself and trying to rebut her claims about your uncaring behaviors. This is yet another problem for men in couples treatment.  They will often find themselves in such a defensive position that they neglect telling their own story, their own needs etc since they are so overwhelmed with just trying to defend themselves.

This sort of imbalanced approach neglects to look at the man’s side of things.  He probably isn’t even thinking about voicing his own needs. It is partly his fault for not bringing things up but he is all too often under water in trying to defend himself and feeling out of place in a world that shows little interest in his needs or his feelings. This pattern has been going on for thousands of years and continues to this day, that women voice what they need in relationship whether it is about their own safety or the provisions they feel they require. The men do their best to provide what is requested or protect them if they are in danger. The men are then evaluated on their performance. It’s easy to see how in couples counseling it would be simple to focus on the woman’s complaints and needs and expect the man to step up and meet those needs while at the same time placing his wants and desires a step down. The byproduct of this formula is that men’s emotional pain and needs are marginalized and avoided.

Yelling

Another problem that often surfaces is that of volume.  Women have a very different threshold for determining when someone is yelling.  Two men can be actively and politely arguing a point at what seems to them to be reasonable volumes but if that same tone and volume is used with their wives, she often claims he is yelling.  This often frustrates the man no end.  He simply says, “I am not yelling.”  And in his mind this is the objective truth.  But remember when entering couples therapy your masculine rules and limits stop being applicable.  You have entered a more feminine space. The biggest danger of this dreaded “you are yelling” meme is that it is sometimes used when the man is making a very good point, a point that can’t be easily countered.  By claiming he is yelling the focus of the conversation shifts quickly and completely.  Now the focus is whether he yelled or not…AND how hurt she is that he was yelling at her.  (remember the keyword is “caring”, a caring person wouldn’t yell)  Now the focus leaves his point and instead centers on how hurt she is and his responsibility for this. This is a devastating development and leaves the man feeling ambushed, helpless and completely unheard. It also importantly lets her off the hook.

Now let’s change gears and look into what a man can do to improve the chances of couples therapy being helpful to him and his relationship in Part Two.

______________________________________________

Tom Golden, LCSW is a psychotherapist in private practice.  His office is in Gaithersburg MD.  Tom also does consults via the internet and phone.  His newest ebook “The Way Men Heal” offers a quick look at the masculine side of healing. You can find him here: [email protected]

Freedom: Can we create our own happiness? EUDAIMONIA?

I saw a video that featured a man named Martin Seligman who some call the father of positive psychology. He explained that psychology had been focused since its inception on the medical model. That is, they’ve been interested in finding what is wrong and then finding out how to get rid of it. In some ways they have found success but he says that this focus has ignored a huge group of people, the normal folks who are simply looking for ways to feel better and enjoy their lives. Seligman and his colleagues have been focusing on that group. Rather than focus on illness and psychopathology they focus on the positive side of being human and what helps make people happier.

In the video Seligman lists three states of happiness. The first is simply finding pleasure and enjoying the good things of life. He was quick to point out that this element was short lived, and as he said, it was a square wave. When you experienced the pleasantness you enjoyed, but after it was gone, so was your positive feeling. It was very short lived.

The second element was the state of mind we find when we become enthralled with an activity. He called it FLOW. Everything else disappears and we lose track of time and simply experience this state. It can take on many faces. For some it might be captivated by music, for others it might be a game or another passion/interest.

The third element was where we did things that we tied to meaningfulness. They were important to us due to their meaning.

He then made the point that when we can combine the second and third element that this combination could produce a potent example of something that helped us to feel good. Its impact on us was not short lived like the temporary pleasure, it had a much more lasting impact. He called it Eudaemonic.

We will be looking at more of Seligman’s ideas and practical suggestions about feeling good in newsletters to come.

TRY THIS

Think if you have something you do that helps you move into FLOW. Is it something you do often? Something you enjoy? Something that has meaning to you?

Feel good!

Why Men Like Independence

Happy Independence Day!  Yeah, I’m Independent.

Why is independence important to men?  Ever notice that men work hard to appear to be independent?  Men tend to not want help, preferring self-sufficiency, wanting to possess the resources to do something. They are hesitant to admit when they are coming up short,  not wanting to appear weak or soft including not wanting to show tender emotions.  What is driving this?

The driver of this is one of the best kept secrets in the world.  It’s the fact that men live every day in a male hierarchy.  Most are unaware of this.  It is common to hear women judge men harshly for wanting to appear independent, to be on top, to have it all together.  Women will often mistakenly see this as a sign of immaturity but the fact is that since boys went through puberty they have been living in a world that judges them and rates them on their manhood. Continuously.  Women have never experienced anything like it and they will often err by assuming he is just acting childishly or worse.   

Think that is incorrect?   Just look at the research that has been going on for the last 10 years on what researchers are calling “Precarious Manhood.”  The researchers are studying this phenomenon that shows itself as young men and men being rated  by cultures around the world.  Yes, this is not just in western cultures, they are finding the same rating systems universally.  They see that manhood is difficult to achieve and very easy to lose.  Compare this to womanhood where girls after puberty are automatically considered to be women. 

Ladies, you don’t have a clue about this and you would do well to start asking your man some questions about what it is like to be in his shoes.,  You would learn lots and he would feel, well, independent if you could understand the nature of this male hierarchy.

Stealing Your Peace of Mind?

We wouldn’t dream of letting someone steal our cell phone.  But all too often we allow people to steal our peace of mind and feeling good.

How does this theft happen?

Usually someone has an excess of feeling bad and wants to channel that to some unsuspecting and willing recipient.  Here’s an example:

You are sitting quietly and someone comes up to you and criticizes you, your political party, your family, or some other aspect of  your life where you are attached.  You fight back!  The game is on and back and forth it goes.  But guess what?  Usually in fighting back we get caught up in the whirlwind of negativity that previously was not ours but we now carry.  After the interchange we go to someone else and tell them what a jackass that person was, we think in our heads how we are right.

At this point our peace of mind and our ability to be in the present moment has been stolen.  We have been ripped off and we don’t even know it.

What to do?

Here’s an example of how Abe Lincoln handled this sort of thing:

I remember a story about Abe Lincoln attending a White House Christmas party when a notoriously nasty woman came up to him and asked him in the most insulting voice she could muster that “didn’t he think his legs were far too long?” Lincoln reportedly looked at her, smiled, and said “Actually madam I have always found them just the right length to reach the floor.” Everyone laughed and Lincoln strolled on to another group. He was able to completely negate her sour attack with humor. He left feeling good, and she left stuck in her own crap.

That is a great model for us. Remember, people who are trying to shame you are doing so because they are stuck in their own bitterness. Maintain your sanity and don’t eat what they are selling. Find your way to leave them to stew in it and don’t lose your peace of mind.

TRY THIS

See if you can think of times that you may be allowing your peace to be stolen.  Think of ways to use your strength to counter these situations.